A Happy Post :O

I know, I seem to only post emo things... so I decided on a happy post :O I felt kind of guilty after a bunch of you IM'd or emailed me with hugs... but I luff you all <3

Anyhow, I thought I'd make a post that's full of happier things! Yay!

First of all, I'm going to apologize for being a bit behind on approving content/revisions (to those of you it's relevant to), as well as not helping staff chats live this past week or two; I won't be very alive again until after next weekend (not this weekend, next weekend), as I'm helping with the set for The Bacchae, and then running the light board for the actual show; I'm having a lot of fun doing so :) I feel much more useful recently, which is a definite plus. It's also nice to get to know more about some of the upperclassmen in my major ^_^

And, back to the happy place! That makes me think of Peach, the Starfish from Finding Nemo [yes, I am a geek... if you didn't know this, you wouldn't be here :D]

I had pizza today and yesterday. That was happy. I have a Diet Coke sitting in front of me right now. Cold, carbonated, bad for me, and utterly delicious. I'm addicted to the stuff. I like food. Amy said we may go to Jethro's for dinner tomorrow, since we've had pizza twice xD I've never been, I'm rather excited :) And the dutchmanning of the columns should be finished tomorrow, so we'll be doing something else finally ... although the dutchmanning still needs to be finished on the actual set, and that's not so fun... at least it doesn't involve standing the entire time.

My first class tomorrow is cancelled since we need to watch The Matrix and write a paper. I should get on that...

Mornings make me think of breakfast. I forgot my gallon of milk in my aunt & uncle's fridge this weekend (along with my leftover steak :(), so I've been getting breakfast at Olmstead this week... first time I've done so all year :O

And now I'm distracted by some things that are making me unhappy, so that ends this ramble... it'll return later.

Weekend Rambles

Liking someone sucks.
Really, really sucks.

Mostly because I have a tendency to fall for people that I know won't, for various reasons, ever like me. At least, not that way. And then you start wondering if they even like you as a friend, and freak out because what if they find out, when you know you'll get over it someday, but they might not believe you and will forever be awkward. Then you say "Fuck my life" and wonder if you'll ever be lucky enough to find someone.

And then I get scared, because I don't know what the answer is, and I don't want to end up alone, and I'm not willing to settle for someone who likes me but I'm not über-fond of. I can't do that.

Instead, I can just curse my luck for who I've fallen for, and wonder when things'll be okay again.

I wish I had internet right now. It's hating me, due to the snowstorm, and I can't distract myself with anything at the moment, so I'm moping and feeling sorry for myself, which really can't be very healthy.

I wish I wasn't so scared to try and get to know people better, and goddamnit, I wish I was better at making friends. I don't want to alienate people I'm fond of, so I become different, without consciously thinking about it. I don't know what to do.

Especially in the Theatre department, people really seem to group off into friend groups, and, while I'm fairly good at getting along with everyone (I don't think anyone specifically DISlikes me... I hope not...), I wish that there was someone (or multiple someones) who would just be like "Hey, you're cool, let's hang"... only in less dorky terms xD I'm hoping that makes sense. I like getting to know people; I'm a curious person, and pretty much everything about people fascinates me. Which, when I think about it, is kind of ironic, due to the fact that most of humanity annoys me (in general, not specifically).

And that, ladies and gentlemen, concludes my random ramble of the day(s).


So I realized something today.

I'm so useless ;_;

Not in the general sense, of course; there are plenty of things I can do that are useful. But in the area where it really counts, my major, I feel rather useless. There's nothing at the moment I'm particularly good at; there are certain things I'd like to learn more about, of course, but it's not to the point where I really CAN. I'm definitely utter fail at carpentry, and I'm having a hard time being original or interesting in Intro to Design... My strength lies more in looking at something rough, or an idea, and turning it into something good.

Unfortunately, that's not that useful at the moment... blaghh...

And I want to earn money next year, because my dad's no-job restriction lifts after first year. But I don't know what I"d do; the interesting jobs will be taken by Work-Study, and even if I applied, I doubt I'd get a TA job for Scene or Costume shop :/ I'm just not good enough at anything @_@ I'm better than a good many people, but with the number of positions available, I just don't quite make the cut :/

It's rather depressing.

Also, I feel like I'm giving people the impression I'm stupid because I ask for so much clarification ;_; I just don't want to do things wrong... I'm turning perfectionist.



I was talking with Dave today, and I was rambling on about dogs and cats.

And I told him about my Raney, and my Zoe.

My precious dogs.

Now, usually I go on about kitties and how much I love them.

But just reminiscing...

God, I miss those dogs. Raney was my guardian, from the time I was born until she died. Such a sweet Rough Collie. I wish I could go back and thank her for giving me a lifelong love of all creatures, for I do believe she started it.

Now, Simba is my angel. Zippy is my buddy. But Zoe...

Zoe was my love. That little dog couldn't be called smart, by any means. But she had the biggest heart in the world. She could never jump onto couches or beds. She'd put her paws up, wag her tail, and make you pick her up. Last week of school, 3rd grade, dad comes home with this adorable little ball of fluff. Two days after christmas, 7th grade, that adorable pile of love passes away. God, she wasn't even four years old. Shih Tzus are supposed to live 10 years, minimum, averaging 15 years. She was so, so sick. I don't know how much my parents spent for her medical costs, but for us, anything was worth it if it could keep this light in our lives just a little longer.

The day she died, I had the most horrible case of the flu. I can't remember ever being sicker, bar two days earlier (christmas day, I couldn't even be excited to open presents). That morning, it was obvious. She couldn't make it anymore. The vet saved her christmas bows for me. I still have them, in a special box on my headboard at home.

I think just talking about her today really let it sink in. I have a hard time really letting things sink in, but right now, I'd give anything to see that dog once more, or even just to know that she's in a better place.

Raney, thank you so much. I love you.

Zoe... my precious love, I hope you're happy, wherever you are. You never deserved the sickness you had. You deserve to be frolicking and chasing tiny tennis balls and jumping in giant piles of snow and not worrying about being housetrained. I love you, angel.

I love you.

Dreams and Music

I know I just talked about dreams, but I felt like musing a little bit more...

Recently, I've found I've wanted to go to sleep simply so I can dream, because my dreams have been so vivid and interesting... not necessarily happy; for some of them are painful, but the dream itself captures me, and I want to know more.

Although, in all my dreams recently, it's felt like I was, indirectly, the cause of someone else's pain. In the one I mentioned last time, when I was a ghost, it was painful for the people who cared about me. Each time, although not of my own volition, I caused someone's sadness. I don't think you can really see that as clearly in real life, though... to be honest; it's probably for the best - I have a huge guilt factor, and would feel so terrible about causing someone else unhappiness with my happiness, or because of something I did... and yet at the same time, I'm selfish enough to still want myself to be happy. Maybe that can be rationalized with others who care about me being happy that I'm happy, but I'm not sure whether it evens out, or how we could even be able to tell.

One of the things that gets me thinking, and probably influences my dreams, is the music I listen to. Recently, a few songs have been the ones that have been in my head - not like a song STUCK in your head, but the one that feels like it's connected to you. In many cases, though, it's more like I make a connection between the song and something not myself, and...

I don't even know where I'm going with this. Maybe I'm feeling guilty because my life seems to be going just fine, and then I think of all the other painful things happening to people, whether they exist or not (being that I care too much for fictional characters), and I wish there was something I could do to protect them...

"I always..."