50 Things

I've been wanting to do this for a while...

So, here's 50 random things you might not have known about me :O (In no particular order)

1. My middle name, Dawn, was chosen by my mother's older sister. It's the feminine version of Don, which was their father's middle name, but also the name he went by (his first name was Delmar - I don't blame him), as well as the middle name of my cousin. For some reason, no one thought about this until after they'd chosen it.
2. The creatures I despise above all others are humans.
3. The first manga I ever read was Sailor Moon. (No, wait, I lied. It doesn't really count, but I read a pokémon comic in elementary school that I didn't realize was manga at the time).
4. I'm addicted to online shopping. Luckily, I'm usually able to stop short of actually purchasing something...
5. I have the inability to be funny on purpose. If I'm funny, it's spontaneous or unintentional.
6. I cannot take a bath without having something with me to read, or a game boy to play.
7. I read "People" magazine every week, catching up on the details of lives of famous people I really don't care about. I'm not sure why.
8. I was grounded from books when I was little, rather than T.V. or game systems.
9. My favourite fictional character of all time is Rogue, from the X-Men.
10. If something can get lost, I will lose it, in an inordinately short amount of time. Generally, it's somewhere obvious.
11. I have a habit of killing electronics accidentally. My Gameboy Advance SP was dropped into a lake while stepping off the boat and onto the dock. Luckily, the game was safe (although the actual gameboy was not).
12. I refuse to acknowledge the epilogue of Harry Potter as canon.
13. Speaking of Harry Potter, I found this author's retelling of the story superior to the original in every way. Read her work. NOW.
14. The only time I've ever used a lawnmower was when I used the riding one to haul our trailer up a hill.
15. I've never been able to cry when real people die, but when fictional characters do, I sob like no other.
16. I've always wanted to talk to animals (who doesn't?), but sometimes I feel like it'd be nice just so I'd finally be able to become a vegetarian. I've always lacked the motivation due to my supreme love of meat.
17. I love stuff, in general. Material things make me happy. They don't have to serve any purpose, but little statues, pretty things, books... just having them makes me happy.
18. If I get on a website like T.V. Tropes, Cracked, or Wikipedia, I'll spend hours upon hours on them, from starting on one single page. I end up opening new tabs every time something looks interesting.
19. My dream is to become a Disney Imagineer.
20. I have so many things I want to do (just regular things, not big lifelong goals), but I almost never get around to them, due to how easily distracted I am (and my terrible sense of time).
21. I have to stop writing this right now, and go to bed, because doing this is making me think of all the things I need to get done, but are kind of hard to do at 2:20 in the morning, when your family is asleep. I get mad at myself for not getting things done I really need to - like watering the plants, cleaning the litterbox, setting up a doctor's appointment, emailing a web page code... okay, I really need to leave for now.
22. I was addicted to Flaming Hot Cheetohs for years; that only ended when I had too many of them my first semester of college.
23. My lucky number is 23 - and not only because I was born on July 23rd. It's been extraordinarily lucky for me throughout my life.
24. I stopped caring what people thought of me during high school, because everyone had their opinions already. I got to college, and realized that it was so much more real for me to get along with everyone, and be easygoing. I wish I would've tried harder in high school, sometimes.
25. I love learning random things about different people I know :) It doesn't have to be relevant to anything, I just like knowing things about you! (In a totally non-creepy way)
26. I started this months ago, and am just now continuing... I'm too lazy to look back, so hopefully repeats won't happen xD
27. I really should be paying attention in Astronomy class right now, but... I'm not.
28. My laptop has a cool cover :) It's a Wyland piece, all happy and underwater and dolphins... I enjoy it.
29. I'm big on animal-rights and preventing animal cruelty. Don't go to a pet store, go to a shelter! You can find virtually ANY kind of rescued pet (including purebreds!) on Petfinder!
30. The titles of the folders on my computer (at least the desktop portion) make no sense to anyone but me... because they have little to no relevance to the contents xD
31. People who form opinions and make statements about things they don't know anything about piss me the hell off.
32. If I can't stand a writer's style, I simply will not read their work, regardless of why I'm supposed to. For this reason, I'll never complete Frankenstein, Twilight, anything by Dan Brown, etc. I find all the writing to be absolutely horrid and unreadable.
33. I love looking at stars, and things in space, but the thought of ever being out there terrifies me to no end.
34. I have Automatonophobia- Fear of ventriloquist's dummies, animatronic creatures, wax statues - anything that falsly represents a sentient being. This also includes creepy mannequins in museums ;_; And, sometimes, old dolls.
35. I have my dream house planned out in my head, and have for several years. Naturally, it includes a large library.
36. I get depressed on occasion (and do have clinical depression), but I've never understood why someone would want to end their own life simply because things aren't going well. I guess I always believe in a better tomorrow, so it's never come to something like that for me. That said, there are definitely extreme cases where I do understand why people would make that choice.
37. When authors specifically make sure that every person in their book is neatly paired off in the end, it really bothers me. I mean, it may make sense in a long-running series, but when it's just one or two books, and everyone has happened to end up with another character? That's pushing it.
38. I might laugh at all the jokes in a comedy movie, but I still don't like them. Or bloody violent horror flicks.
39. Meanwhile, I can't watch psychological horror/thrillers, but for some reason I've still found myself awake until 3 a.m. reading summaries of classic films in this genre that I'll never watch (aka Alfred Hitchcock), and then kick myself later... I can't fall asleep with all the creepy in my head!
40. I want a Giant Rubber Duckie for Christmas. Or my birthday. Or anytime really... please? :D
41. One of my strongest traits is my sense of justice. If I feel something is unjust, I tend to over-react or get majorly pissed off for what other people may see as no reason.
42. Everyone should watch This Video... as long as you don't hate animals.
43. Actually, you should all watch This Video too... and this one... and this one... and why not try this as well?
44. I absolutely adore well-made music videos; usually of the fan variety ;) It's fun to see mesh-ups, and some of the makers are REALLY good :O
45. I have an obsession with cute things. Did you not know that? Then why the heck are you even here? xD
46. I don't have a T.V in my room, and it's probably a good thing - I've recently fallen in love with GLEE and Project Runway, in addition to already loving Dollhouse, so easy access would probably lead to more tv and less life xD
47. I can sleep forever, and get tired easily, but I for some reason I have problems falling asleep in the first place, no matter how tired I am.
48. When I get a video game, rather than racing through it, I make a point of taking it slow so that it lasts and I can have the full experience :D Unfortunately, this also means I may spend days in a row doing nothing else, and yet still making very little progress.
49. I used to wear a watch every day; since it got covered with paint, I've bought a new one, discovered that it obviously has issues, and keep asking everyone for the time when it really doesn't seem to matter.
50. I don't know if anyone will actually read this, but it's been therapeutic xD

Life Updates!

Lots of random little things that I felt like talking about :O

So I started needlefelting today, and I'm enjoying it quite a lot!

Naturally, I broke my first needle in no time ;_; Trying to remove some felt to fix the shape of the bunny I'm working on, and bent it. Tried bending it back, and it snapped. If I was smart, I'd've used scissors...

I'm on Spring Break! I had a lovely ride home with lovely people. Being that we're all theatre majors, we listened to soundtracks and sang along. Julia and Cayla actually asked me if I'd been in choir before, which was interesting, because I've never sung in any choir x3 Maybe I should've; I'd be able to sing better :O Apparently my voice sucks less than I thought x333

Heading to the Mall of America tomorrow :D Hoping to buy some random things ^_^ I don't know if they have a craft store; I want to find it if so!

I also am still missing two keys on my keyboard... the down arrow and the 1 key. I can press the pads, but I miss the actual buttons xD So much easier when I have them...

Aggh, I'm bored now. I feel awake, but not really like doing something specific >_< Too late to take a bath, running low on computer battery...

Dreams and Music

I know I just talked about dreams, but I felt like musing a little bit more...

Recently, I've found I've wanted to go to sleep simply so I can dream, because my dreams have been so vivid and interesting... not necessarily happy; for some of them are painful, but the dream itself captures me, and I want to know more.

Although, in all my dreams recently, it's felt like I was, indirectly, the cause of someone else's pain. In the one I mentioned last time, when I was a ghost, it was painful for the people who cared about me. Each time, although not of my own volition, I caused someone's sadness. I don't think you can really see that as clearly in real life, though... to be honest; it's probably for the best - I have a huge guilt factor, and would feel so terrible about causing someone else unhappiness with my happiness, or because of something I did... and yet at the same time, I'm selfish enough to still want myself to be happy. Maybe that can be rationalized with others who care about me being happy that I'm happy, but I'm not sure whether it evens out, or how we could even be able to tell.

One of the things that gets me thinking, and probably influences my dreams, is the music I listen to. Recently, a few songs have been the ones that have been in my head - not like a song STUCK in your head, but the one that feels like it's connected to you. In many cases, though, it's more like I make a connection between the song and something not myself, and...

I don't even know where I'm going with this. Maybe I'm feeling guilty because my life seems to be going just fine, and then I think of all the other painful things happening to people, whether they exist or not (being that I care too much for fictional characters), and I wish there was something I could do to protect them...

"I always..."

A lot of thoughts, One little post

Be warned - this post is long and varied in nature. If you wish to skip parts, go right ahead!

I'm going to start with some things that were running through my head the other day. I wasn't paying any attention in class, and instead wrote out all these thoughts that were in my head, and I'd like to get them off my chest.

It's painful, I was thinking, either to protect someone, or to be the one protected.

Can you go all out when you know someone cares about you? If you care about their happiness, you'll want to protect yourself as well - because they'd be sad without you. That matters as well, doesn't it?

In the same way, loving someone is painful - as is being loved. What if the love is one-sided? You still want the person you love to be happy; if someone loves you, you want to, yourself, be worthy of that, even if you don't return the feelings. In this, I mean when the love is really that - Love. Not lust, not obsession, but honest love. Feelings of love, when true, are more precious than anything else a human can give freely; for emotions are the only things that are truly ours and ours alone; someone cannot truly take away your feelings, as they can anything physical.

One of the most painful parts of love is jealousy. You may want simply to care about someone's happiness, but we are human - and so we may be jealous of someone because they are the happiness we want to be.

I know that I am week. I am jealous, and I am scared to tell people I care about them, because I am afraid that they won't return the sentiment, or will have a problem with my feelings.

I am flawed. I have major issues when someone has different moral beliefs than I; I can't understand why you'd deny someone else their rights, when you say you are against too much government intervention. It's not that I have a problem with people not thinking exactly the way I do; it's having a problem with hypocrisy. The majority should not decide to take away the rights of minorities; do you want another version of apartheid?

On a completely different note, I've noticed that I care too much about people who don't really exist. I cry more at tragedies in novels or movies than I do when worse things happen in real life.

My heart breaks when Seishiro dies. I know it's coming, but when it happens, I cry every time. I can't imagine how painful it would be for Subaru, who knew that he was in love, but due to things far bigger than either of them, theyr'e fighting against each other and friends to the death, because they're forced into different molds, not of otheir own choosing (By the way, everyone should read Tokyo Babylon and X/1999, as well as everything else CLAMP has ever done.)

I've been having some not-so-happy days, recently, as I'm sure most of you who read this are well aware. There hasn't been any real reason, but I've just had low self esteem. I'm so grateful to everyone who stepped in and cheered me up; each in their own way. From offers of kittens (and I'm tempted to think that Aet was serious, then) to threats to drive all the way here and beat up anyone who made me sad (Clay, my cousin-in-law, who is awesome to the max), it really helped me feel more positive, and like I have more of a purpose. Thank you guys so much for having faith in me.

Now, I'm aiming to have more faith in myself, to be someone who people can rely on because I can do not only what I set out to do for others, but what I set out to do for myself. I'm working seriously on keeping my room cleaner (which is harder than it sounds, for me), and I'm working on remembering to take my meds all the time (I was surprised and disappointed in myself last semester). I'm never going to be perfect, but I want to work to be the best "Me" that I can be.

I'd like to take this opportunity to share some of the things that cheer me up, as well.

I love coming here every day to check on my blog list (at right), to see who's updated their blogs. I love reading everything you guys write, because it makes me feel more connected to all of you. From Pekka's buckets (and his special bucket present in honor of the Bucketon awards) to Illy's random rambles (you always make me smile), you guys are what ties me down. Sharing obsessions over cute animals (or lolcats, as the case may be), sharing "stalker" stories (Oh, JP and DU...), I feel like I understand what's happening in the posts because I understand you guys.

Part of me being more faithful to myself has also been starting to write more. I always have things in my heads - thoughts, stories, etc, that I tell myself I'm going to write down - and never do. Recently, I've started to actually write down what comes to mind, and I'm actually getting somewhere - I think so, at least. There's a story that's been in my head for years, and it's starting to tie together and flow when I write it. I don't know if I'll ever actually finish it (I'd like to), or if I'd ever submit it to an agent, but I want to get this story out of me, so I can at least share it with the people who I know would want to read it.

Some of the things I've been writing down come from my dreams. My dreams have been getting more and more coherent lately - instead of just going through a story, I'm FEELING things - not just emotionally, but it's like my mind convinces me I'm feeling physical aspects as well. I've been remembering more about them as well, and they have made an impact on me. They're hard to describe, but it's as if I'm having another whole experience at night. I get where a lot of the pieces come from, but I don't know why they tie together like they do, or what it may mean.

I died in my dream last night. It wasn't like you'd usually imagine - it was like, I was alive, and then I wasn't; it's so hard to describe in writing. But when I wasn't, I was a ghost - and there was only one person who could see me, and the whole thing seemed to make logical sense to me; but outside the dream, I can't quite figure out how it worked; or why my mind chose the people it did for the different roles in my dream.

Sometimes, I wish I lived in one of my many different dream worlds for a short while, if only to learn more - because it seems that it's never quite enough to learn what I want to. I want to dream more, remember more, learn more - especially about myself. Dreams reveal things to you that you may not outwardly admit to yourself when conscious, but it's important for them to come to the forefront nonetheless.

What are some dreams you guys have had? I'd love to hear.