Life After High School, Up 'Til Now (Abridged)

I make no attempts to deny it - in high school (and before), I was widely considered flat-out weird. That's not always a good thing (as much as I might appreciate it). I can't speak for others, so I don't know exactly what way they viewed me, but I'm fairly certain I was rather annoying.

A large part of that was probably due to me no longer caring - everyone was the same starting in 6th grade, and judgements were already made - and it didn't help that most were made before I was diagnosed with Aspergers' Syndrome and Clinical Depression. I've been on meds for years and years now, and obviously I've matured personally, but during those crucial years that was just another thing adding to the not-quite-right-ness of me in the eyes of the majority - and children are oh-so-quick to judge.

I've regretted it, of course - I can't begin to list the things I wish I'd done differently - but the past is the past. So going off to college, as I did in the fall of 2008, presented a whole new realm of possibilities.

I entered Drake as a Theatrical Technology and Design major (which I still am, and love!), and spent the first semester being more quiet, shy, and acquiescent than I had been ever before... and I was okay with that. Everybody there was new to me, and cool, and I really didn't want to start out with bad impressions. I tend to like most people (by most, I mean unless you give me a damn good reason, I'm not going to dislike you... but if I do, it's a serious dislike).

At some point, though, I began feeling more comfortable being me - especially as I got to know everyone in theatre better. It's a tight group, but one that's also very welcoming (although it is theatre - there's drama almost everywhere). I entered school happy with my choice (although Drake was not my original first choice), and I am absolutely confident that I chose the right place for me. By the end of my first year, I already knew how much I was going to miss the seniors, and how odd it would feel to no longer have everything how it was when I came. The Drake University Scene Shop Forewoman, Amy, was especially amazing - she kind of adopted me :) I've gotten to see her since (I flew down to Florida to visit over New Years!), and that's been awesome. Caitlin, the House Props Master from my freshman year, I've seen a few times as well (although not as often :().

I spent the first three weeks of summer after Freshman year taking interim classes with a few of my friends - Readings in Theatre and Stage Makeup. The rest of it I spent just kind of lazing - mostly because it was my last opportunity to do so. I got some little things done, took Theatre History online, and went to quite a few YMCA classes, but mostly it was a lazy summer - and I loved it. I hung out with Amy when she got back from working at the Utah Shakespeare Festival, I visited Ashley (a year above me and Amy's successor as Forewoman) in Wisconsin, and I went to my cabin for the first time in a few years! I'd been working both summers previous, so it was kind of weird being there (but fun).

Back to school in Fall 2009: I'm a sophomore, still taking mostly theatre classes (I got lucky with offerings, I have almost all my major classes done already), and living in a GIANT single dorm in Jewett Hall. The freshman class is much bigger than my class, which is good - and a bit weird. I'm now a T.A. in the Drake Scene Shop, and around mid-semester, I become the official House Props Master.... meaning I get shiny keys, and am in charge of general props stuff, helping the Props Masters for individual shows, etc. The year passes in an insane blur (I did go to USITT!), and suddenly it's summer again... which brings us to now.

I'm currently in Kent, Ohio, working at the Porthouse Theatre as Assistant Scenic Artist. I finished my last final, checked out, drove home, and spent one day there unpacking and repacking, before hopping on a 6am flight out to Ohio. Theatre check in happens pretty much when I arrive, and the next day, bright and early (really early - it's a different time zone!) I'm off to work. 9-5, Monday-Friday (although hours can easily be extended)... which really isn't bad at all for a summer theatre job. I spend my days doing a lot of painting (with Tiffany, the Charge Artist, and Renee, the Scenic Artist), and, currently, a LOT of work with foam @_@. We spent a week in a hotel while the apartments were refurbished, and then were moved in to four person 2-bed one-bath apartments. Mine, however, now has three people. Last week, while working with the table saw, something happened that caught one of Jess's fingers in the table saw, and sliced it almost all the way through, barely missing the second artery. No one witnessed, and Jess is too drugged up to remember, but she'd gotten her wood all the way through and used the push-stick, so it's very confusing. Since Tiffany and her roommates have cars (and had a spare bed), and were at the hospital, she's now moved over there.

And that's a concise version of my life up until now! (I'm also writing a fantasy novel... but will it ever get finished?)

Some random artworks I've done since high-school... (Drawings, jewelry-making, felts, etc.!)



Necklace I designed and made :D



Needle felted Piglet!



Self-portrait of a sort... I used it on my door in the dorms.



A watercolour piece based on a photo from the makeup final projects of two of my friends ;)

I might post more later when I get them xD I've done a lot digitally, too...

Love, Me :D

A lot of thoughts, One little post

Be warned - this post is long and varied in nature. If you wish to skip parts, go right ahead!

I'm going to start with some things that were running through my head the other day. I wasn't paying any attention in class, and instead wrote out all these thoughts that were in my head, and I'd like to get them off my chest.

It's painful, I was thinking, either to protect someone, or to be the one protected.

Can you go all out when you know someone cares about you? If you care about their happiness, you'll want to protect yourself as well - because they'd be sad without you. That matters as well, doesn't it?

In the same way, loving someone is painful - as is being loved. What if the love is one-sided? You still want the person you love to be happy; if someone loves you, you want to, yourself, be worthy of that, even if you don't return the feelings. In this, I mean when the love is really that - Love. Not lust, not obsession, but honest love. Feelings of love, when true, are more precious than anything else a human can give freely; for emotions are the only things that are truly ours and ours alone; someone cannot truly take away your feelings, as they can anything physical.

One of the most painful parts of love is jealousy. You may want simply to care about someone's happiness, but we are human - and so we may be jealous of someone because they are the happiness we want to be.

I know that I am week. I am jealous, and I am scared to tell people I care about them, because I am afraid that they won't return the sentiment, or will have a problem with my feelings.

I am flawed. I have major issues when someone has different moral beliefs than I; I can't understand why you'd deny someone else their rights, when you say you are against too much government intervention. It's not that I have a problem with people not thinking exactly the way I do; it's having a problem with hypocrisy. The majority should not decide to take away the rights of minorities; do you want another version of apartheid?

On a completely different note, I've noticed that I care too much about people who don't really exist. I cry more at tragedies in novels or movies than I do when worse things happen in real life.

My heart breaks when Seishiro dies. I know it's coming, but when it happens, I cry every time. I can't imagine how painful it would be for Subaru, who knew that he was in love, but due to things far bigger than either of them, theyr'e fighting against each other and friends to the death, because they're forced into different molds, not of otheir own choosing (By the way, everyone should read Tokyo Babylon and X/1999, as well as everything else CLAMP has ever done.)

I've been having some not-so-happy days, recently, as I'm sure most of you who read this are well aware. There hasn't been any real reason, but I've just had low self esteem. I'm so grateful to everyone who stepped in and cheered me up; each in their own way. From offers of kittens (and I'm tempted to think that Aet was serious, then) to threats to drive all the way here and beat up anyone who made me sad (Clay, my cousin-in-law, who is awesome to the max), it really helped me feel more positive, and like I have more of a purpose. Thank you guys so much for having faith in me.

Now, I'm aiming to have more faith in myself, to be someone who people can rely on because I can do not only what I set out to do for others, but what I set out to do for myself. I'm working seriously on keeping my room cleaner (which is harder than it sounds, for me), and I'm working on remembering to take my meds all the time (I was surprised and disappointed in myself last semester). I'm never going to be perfect, but I want to work to be the best "Me" that I can be.

I'd like to take this opportunity to share some of the things that cheer me up, as well.

I love coming here every day to check on my blog list (at right), to see who's updated their blogs. I love reading everything you guys write, because it makes me feel more connected to all of you. From Pekka's buckets (and his special bucket present in honor of the Bucketon awards) to Illy's random rambles (you always make me smile), you guys are what ties me down. Sharing obsessions over cute animals (or lolcats, as the case may be), sharing "stalker" stories (Oh, JP and DU...), I feel like I understand what's happening in the posts because I understand you guys.

Part of me being more faithful to myself has also been starting to write more. I always have things in my heads - thoughts, stories, etc, that I tell myself I'm going to write down - and never do. Recently, I've started to actually write down what comes to mind, and I'm actually getting somewhere - I think so, at least. There's a story that's been in my head for years, and it's starting to tie together and flow when I write it. I don't know if I'll ever actually finish it (I'd like to), or if I'd ever submit it to an agent, but I want to get this story out of me, so I can at least share it with the people who I know would want to read it.

Some of the things I've been writing down come from my dreams. My dreams have been getting more and more coherent lately - instead of just going through a story, I'm FEELING things - not just emotionally, but it's like my mind convinces me I'm feeling physical aspects as well. I've been remembering more about them as well, and they have made an impact on me. They're hard to describe, but it's as if I'm having another whole experience at night. I get where a lot of the pieces come from, but I don't know why they tie together like they do, or what it may mean.

I died in my dream last night. It wasn't like you'd usually imagine - it was like, I was alive, and then I wasn't; it's so hard to describe in writing. But when I wasn't, I was a ghost - and there was only one person who could see me, and the whole thing seemed to make logical sense to me; but outside the dream, I can't quite figure out how it worked; or why my mind chose the people it did for the different roles in my dream.

Sometimes, I wish I lived in one of my many different dream worlds for a short while, if only to learn more - because it seems that it's never quite enough to learn what I want to. I want to dream more, remember more, learn more - especially about myself. Dreams reveal things to you that you may not outwardly admit to yourself when conscious, but it's important for them to come to the forefront nonetheless.

What are some dreams you guys have had? I'd love to hear.