A lot of thoughts, One little post

Be warned - this post is long and varied in nature. If you wish to skip parts, go right ahead!

I'm going to start with some things that were running through my head the other day. I wasn't paying any attention in class, and instead wrote out all these thoughts that were in my head, and I'd like to get them off my chest.

It's painful, I was thinking, either to protect someone, or to be the one protected.

Can you go all out when you know someone cares about you? If you care about their happiness, you'll want to protect yourself as well - because they'd be sad without you. That matters as well, doesn't it?

In the same way, loving someone is painful - as is being loved. What if the love is one-sided? You still want the person you love to be happy; if someone loves you, you want to, yourself, be worthy of that, even if you don't return the feelings. In this, I mean when the love is really that - Love. Not lust, not obsession, but honest love. Feelings of love, when true, are more precious than anything else a human can give freely; for emotions are the only things that are truly ours and ours alone; someone cannot truly take away your feelings, as they can anything physical.

One of the most painful parts of love is jealousy. You may want simply to care about someone's happiness, but we are human - and so we may be jealous of someone because they are the happiness we want to be.

I know that I am week. I am jealous, and I am scared to tell people I care about them, because I am afraid that they won't return the sentiment, or will have a problem with my feelings.

I am flawed. I have major issues when someone has different moral beliefs than I; I can't understand why you'd deny someone else their rights, when you say you are against too much government intervention. It's not that I have a problem with people not thinking exactly the way I do; it's having a problem with hypocrisy. The majority should not decide to take away the rights of minorities; do you want another version of apartheid?

On a completely different note, I've noticed that I care too much about people who don't really exist. I cry more at tragedies in novels or movies than I do when worse things happen in real life.

My heart breaks when Seishiro dies. I know it's coming, but when it happens, I cry every time. I can't imagine how painful it would be for Subaru, who knew that he was in love, but due to things far bigger than either of them, theyr'e fighting against each other and friends to the death, because they're forced into different molds, not of otheir own choosing (By the way, everyone should read Tokyo Babylon and X/1999, as well as everything else CLAMP has ever done.)

I've been having some not-so-happy days, recently, as I'm sure most of you who read this are well aware. There hasn't been any real reason, but I've just had low self esteem. I'm so grateful to everyone who stepped in and cheered me up; each in their own way. From offers of kittens (and I'm tempted to think that Aet was serious, then) to threats to drive all the way here and beat up anyone who made me sad (Clay, my cousin-in-law, who is awesome to the max), it really helped me feel more positive, and like I have more of a purpose. Thank you guys so much for having faith in me.

Now, I'm aiming to have more faith in myself, to be someone who people can rely on because I can do not only what I set out to do for others, but what I set out to do for myself. I'm working seriously on keeping my room cleaner (which is harder than it sounds, for me), and I'm working on remembering to take my meds all the time (I was surprised and disappointed in myself last semester). I'm never going to be perfect, but I want to work to be the best "Me" that I can be.

I'd like to take this opportunity to share some of the things that cheer me up, as well.

I love coming here every day to check on my blog list (at right), to see who's updated their blogs. I love reading everything you guys write, because it makes me feel more connected to all of you. From Pekka's buckets (and his special bucket present in honor of the Bucketon awards) to Illy's random rambles (you always make me smile), you guys are what ties me down. Sharing obsessions over cute animals (or lolcats, as the case may be), sharing "stalker" stories (Oh, JP and DU...), I feel like I understand what's happening in the posts because I understand you guys.

Part of me being more faithful to myself has also been starting to write more. I always have things in my heads - thoughts, stories, etc, that I tell myself I'm going to write down - and never do. Recently, I've started to actually write down what comes to mind, and I'm actually getting somewhere - I think so, at least. There's a story that's been in my head for years, and it's starting to tie together and flow when I write it. I don't know if I'll ever actually finish it (I'd like to), or if I'd ever submit it to an agent, but I want to get this story out of me, so I can at least share it with the people who I know would want to read it.

Some of the things I've been writing down come from my dreams. My dreams have been getting more and more coherent lately - instead of just going through a story, I'm FEELING things - not just emotionally, but it's like my mind convinces me I'm feeling physical aspects as well. I've been remembering more about them as well, and they have made an impact on me. They're hard to describe, but it's as if I'm having another whole experience at night. I get where a lot of the pieces come from, but I don't know why they tie together like they do, or what it may mean.

I died in my dream last night. It wasn't like you'd usually imagine - it was like, I was alive, and then I wasn't; it's so hard to describe in writing. But when I wasn't, I was a ghost - and there was only one person who could see me, and the whole thing seemed to make logical sense to me; but outside the dream, I can't quite figure out how it worked; or why my mind chose the people it did for the different roles in my dream.

Sometimes, I wish I lived in one of my many different dream worlds for a short while, if only to learn more - because it seems that it's never quite enough to learn what I want to. I want to dream more, remember more, learn more - especially about myself. Dreams reveal things to you that you may not outwardly admit to yourself when conscious, but it's important for them to come to the forefront nonetheless.

What are some dreams you guys have had? I'd love to hear.

Oi Vey

Didn't realize how long it'd been since I last blagged (and yes, you guys still have that term stuck in my head :P)

Anyhow, this is more thanks for you guys (being that I'm pretty sure no one else reads this xD) being so awesome and cheering me up with pictures of fuzzy creatures when I'm being all balsgjdaoi. And bitching out things that have no relevance on life whatsoever is fun - the RG Kacheek's tiara really WAS awful xD

But yeah, I wish I knew why life sucks so much right now. BLARGH. Also, I can't draw recently. I can colour my old pics, but I realized that I phail at drawing... and at life, apparently.

I really need to learn to actually READ things that are required for classes... I haven't even started most of them yet. I really should. I reallllly should. But I don't know why, for some reason my head KNOWS this, but I still blow it off in order to do things that are more interesting. I'm sure that I'll still get an easy A or B in all these classes, but I feel guilty for buying the books and not reading them... (with the exception of theatre; I read and keep all those <3)