Early Morning Rant

I've been needing one of these for awhile. Like no other. Beware, more swearing than usual occurs. Not like it's that bad. Also, there is a lot of me bitching. Nothing personal.

I've decided I kind of hate life right now. Not being alive, but just life in general. Not how it's treating me, but how I'm fucking it up, and can't seem to get myself to change. I absolutely love school and I love the people here... but god, I miss having someone I can just rant with, and know that they won't judge me, or form an opinion, because they already know who I am and accept me for that. And I hate talking on the phone; it isn't the same at all.

But I hate who I am right now. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me, but I'm not me at all. Normal me is psychotic and talkative and doesn't give a shit because everyone has their opinions, and if they don't like who I am, they can go fuck it because I'm me, and have people who understand.

When those people aren't a minute away, things change. Suddenly I'm this quiet, much calmer person, and the only random things that spout out of my mouth are so random that even I don't follow the fucking pattern, and just serve to make people think I'm some sort of freak. And I like people, and I get along with them, but I don't have anyone yet I can just ramble off to and confide in. Hell, I don't know if anyone even fucking considers me a friend yet, because I don't know them, or how their minds work.

I'm so bad at making friends. I'm absolutely terrible at it. I'm so scared that I'll give off the wrong impression, or bring up something that is totally inappropriate in their eyes, or seem like some kind of freakish stalker because I remember things that usually people don't just happen to REMEMBER. I mean, I'll glance at your favourite books on facebook, and I'll remember that, even though I'll never look again and it really doesn't matter. But being that they really don't know me yet, they don't know how much information I keep in my head that others would find totally and completely irrelevant.

On top of that, I'm pretty candid when it comes to things like my meds, autism, etc. So I'm just being up-front, like "yeah, this is part of my life". But sometimes I worry that people get the wrong impression, like they think I'm trying to stand out or something. "oooh, I'm special". I know I'm not fucking special. It's like that saying "You're unique - just like everyone else." Yeah, everyone likes to think they're different or special, but even if you believe that, you can't live like that "Oh, I'm special. Things will happen because they must for my life to be perfect." No, when I bring up my Asperger's syndrome, it means that there is a fucking reason that I remember so many random things, and that I can't read body language. At all. I'm not trying to ignore you or be rude, I just don't fucking get it. Tell me. I can take the truth, and I'll try to fix it. I'm going to be blunt and honest, and I'd like it if you'd do the same.

I am who I am. I'm going to tell you random things about me because I like knowing random things about you. People interest me in general. It doesn't have to be something uber-special or private. The fact that "Oh, I love cute overload as well!" or "Yeah, I LOVE Disney movies," or "I have a sister in 9th grade too!" - that means something to me, even if normally it seems to just be random conversation. I honestly care. And sometimes I feel like I reveal the wrong things, to make people get the complete wrong impression of who I am and what I want.

I also care far too much what people think of me. I see these stats, [totally made up, which pisses me off], that people post in profiles or whatever, like "98% of teens care about what others think of them. Post this here if you're one of the 2% who don't!".

Yeah, you do. Don't lie to yourself. You're trying to be cool and unique, because you think it impresses others. The fact that you'd post such a thing says enough about you. We care what others think because it allows us to be more confident in who we are.

Also, I find that I seem to give off the impression that I'm a rich spoiled brat far too often. I don't mean to, and I like to think that I'm not. No, I didn't know how to sweep. Never had to. Yes, the housecleaner did it. That's not as unique as people seem to think. Why? Because my parents never had the time to do any of that. I might not be a good sweeper, but I'm excellent at dusting, vacuuming, laundry, dishes, etc. Yes, I go on a lot of vacations. They also cost a lot less than people assume, because my parents rack up frequent flier miles for work.

Yes, I like several anime series. That does not make me a fucking "Narutard". I started enjoying comics (both american and japanese) when I was in 6th grade, long before most. I'm not stupid enough to think that injecting random japanese phrases into conversation is "cute" or "cool". No. I don't fucking speak japanese, it just sounds stupid, unless you're actually talking about something japanese that really doesn't translate. "Okonomiyaki". It's a food. It makes absolutely no sense to translate it into english, because there really isn't a translation. I don't want to live in Japan. It's crowded and hideously expensive. I don't have this delusion that I'll go off and create some great series that everyone will love. Neither will you. Get over it.

I'm rather jumping around here, but I'm also not as useless as I've been feeling this year. I hate feeling like I'm accomplishing nothing. I hate being the person who comes off as useful, but when you put me in a situation, I'm not. I feel like I haven't been in a single situation all year where I've been the least bit useful or helpful. It kind of sucks.

I also hate how fucking addicted to sleep I am. I never used to be this bad. Suddenly, my schedule is wonky, and I can go from being wide awake to conking out in class, which I DON"T want to do. I can't fall asleep at night, and I can't stay awake during the day.

I'm also completely gullible. I fucking hate when people take advantage of that, because it pisses me off like no other. I try not to lie to people, because I hate being lied to. I can't fucking tell if you're lying. I don't have the ability to read your body language or understand common social cues that most people understand. It's not FUNNY to convince me something is true when it's not. I tend to start off trusting people, but once they do something like that, once, I have trouble trusting them ever again. It doesn't matter how minor it is, I'll always worry that anything you say could be a complete and utter lie, and it'll be obvious to most people, but I'll fall for it again.

If you don't do that, I'm one of the most loyal people you'll ever meet. I don't backstab; I don't lie to you. I'm willing to help with almost anything. I'll keep your secrets safe, and I hope that you're willing to do the same. If you ever need me, I'm there. I'm the girl who pays for your concert ticket when you're broke, without being asked, because I want you to be there.

I feel like I could go on and on, but I'm probably repeating myself by now.

I'm also incredibly hungry, but there's nothing here I want to eat.

Goddamnit.